Life Presence Coaching For Better Living

Stay Present in Life: How to Attract What You Want

Coaching life presence for better living. PortlandWho doesn’t want to live their dream? I don’t think many of us would say “no, thanks” if the opportunities and relationships we desired were offered to us on a silver platter. It can be encouraging to remember that ultimately, we are the creators of our own life.

In a literal sense, we can create or impact outcomes we desire if we keep our head in a good feeling space consistently.

We are all artists, creating our lives thought by thought, action by action.

The areas we focus on are a big deal. These are the difference between a life we feel aligned and satisfied with versus a life we are constantly questioning and trying to figure out.

To quickly gauge where your focus tends to fall, ask yourself this question:

“Do I tend to focus on the good things (what’s abundant) or what’s a problem (what’s lacking) in my life?”

Focusing on what’s wrong will often leave you in a state of anxiety and in a “fix it” mindset, while focusing on what’s going well can support more positive experiences coming your way. This is often the case because what we focus on dictates our feelings and thoughts. How we think and what we spend our time thinking about becomes a habit. For better or worse, our thought habits can affect how we perceive our life. This spider web effect is nothing new. We’ve all heard it, especially those of us familiar with the Universal Laws of Attraction.

Here are some tips on how to help attract good things in your life.

BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT IS POSSIBLE

Life tends to mirror what we believe to be true. It’s common for our human minds to need to see and have proof of an outcome or reality before we believe it’s possible. Our need to see before we can believe is where we get stuck. The trick is to allow yourself to dream while pressing the pause button on your logical mind. Our logic is waiting for things to make sense. The reality is, sometimes how things come to be defies logic, and unexplainable things do happen. Start believing in them and how they can happen to and for you.

I understand why it’s hard for many adults to believe in what we can’t see. After all, we grew up and became “practical.” Responsibilities present themselves; all of this is valid. There’s no denying that. However, it’s to our benefit to tap into that childlike part of ourselves and remember how to imagine, dream, and believe.

FOCUS ON FEELING GOOD

What makes you feel good? Great, do more of that.

Make sure you’re surrounding yourself with people, environments, and activities that align with who you are. I want to emphasize that life’s not about feeling good all the time. This belief can cause people to deny or not process uncomfortable emotions.

Life provides contrast, including both yin and yang, good and not so good feelings. When negative situations and emotions come up, do your best to acknowledge them. Allow them to be there while continuing to focus on the positive things that are also in your path. You will always have options in life; the key is to choose wisely. When possible, choose the things that bring you joy.

GET PRESENT

When your mind is stuck in fear, anxiety, worry, or depression, good things are often blocked from coming into your space. When your mind is chronically stuck in the past, a common symptom of that head-space is depression. When your mind is constantly stuck in the future, the common consequence of that mindset can be heightened anxiety. These conditions can be your body’s natural way of alerting you that alignment is off. Being in the present can help us feel centered and balanced.

Practicing staying in the moment can help you discover more presence in your life. Here are some quick ideas of how to practice being present in your life:

  • Be mindful of over-planning
  • Rid yourself of distractions that don’t serve you
  • Disconnect from relationships that are not supportive and feel draining
  • Be thoughtful of how you spend your time

Clearing out the activities and distractions that are not serving you while creating more space for good things to come in can allow you to spend more time on the things that matter most to you.

Believe that good things are possible and are, in fact, on their way to you. Expect good things to happen to and for you. This frame of mind may help you cultivate more overall goodness in your life.

If you’re having trouble reframing your mindset or focusing on what’s positive, coaching can help. Call to learn more about life coaching at our Portland office.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org.

How Mindfulness Coaching Can Help Relationship Empathy & Conflict Resolution

Mindfulness Can Help Build Empathy & Resolve Conflict

Portland relationship coaching for conflict resolutionWhen we talk about mindfulness, we usually focus on mindfulness within the individual: an awareness of one’s own thoughts and emotions or staying present in the moment to enjoy one’s own life. What’s missing from the conversation is the mindfulness required to create meaningful connections with others. To have a successful relationship, you can’t be mindful of only your own interior experience; you must be mindful of the other person’s, too.

So much of our conflict with loved ones comes from an unawareness of another human being’s inner reality. The phrase buried in so many apologies is “didn’t mean to”: “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” “I didn’t mean to make you angry,” “I didn’t mean to upset you.” The truth would sound more like, “I wasn’t paying any attention to you when I said or did whatever created a problem for you.” Sometimes we may be unaware of a button we’re pushing or a wound we’re picking, but often those slights are not the result of ill intentions, but of having no intentions at all.

You probably know that identifying and attending to your emotions is a key to psychological well-being. But you might not know that identifying and attending to the feelings of others is a key to relationship well-being. You can’t grow a loving relationship without regard to the feelings of those for whom you care.

Conflict in a relationship arises when you focus your intentions entirely on your needs and ignore or dismiss your partner’s. You might not mean to hurt them, but when your mindfulness practice goes one way, your intentions don’t extend any love or concern to your partner.

Having a mindful relationship means deciding whether the connection is important to you and what you want from the other person, and then keeping that in mind when you communicate or are in conflict. If your intention is a loving, romantic partnership, all disagreements should be approached with love and partnership in mind.

Being mindful of your partner’s needs plays an important role in disagreements. Too often when we are in conflict, even with someone we love, we want only to win. We want the other person to change their behavior without us having to change a thing. We don’t mind a win-lose solution as long as we’re not the loser. Studies show that losses have a more significant psychological impact on us than wins do. Losing is an affront to our sense of self. But this attitude—win at all costs, or at least don’t lose—is toxic to relationships.

Does that mean for a partnership to work you have to be okay “losing” an argument sometimes? Not at all.

The win-lose scenario isn’t the only way to end a conflict. Try the win-win instead.

Winning a fight doesn’t always mean being right. If you get into an argument with your partner because you want to go to a party and they want to stay home and watch movies, one of you isn’t right and the other wrong. Pressuring your now-resentful partner into going to the party might feel like a win, but is it? A real win, the kind that lasts past one fight and makes your relationship stronger, is one in which your partner hears your point of view and addresses your needs or desires, and you do the same for them.

To address your partner’s needs, you have to practice mindfulness. You must be mindful of their boundaries and need for not just necessary physical requirements such as food and shelter but also for their emotional and psychological requirements, such as affection, acceptance, independence, and so on. There are some fundamental needs that virtually all people share, and they are crucial to keep in mind:

  • Respect:Respect is the basis of an emotionally healthy relationship. Respect your partner’s boundaries if you expect them to respect yours—and they should.
  • Time and attention:One of the most powerful ways to show your partner you love them is by giving them undivided time and attention.
  • Affection:Not only is physical affection an essential part of intimate relationships because it makes your brain release oxytocin, the “love hormone,” but studies show a link between affection deprivation and physical pain and poor sleep, which in turn increases negative emotions.
  • Approval:As a child, you seek approval from your caregivers and teachers; as an adult, you seek it from your loved ones. Simple compliments are easy to give and go far in building closeness and positive regard.
  • Security, predictability, and consistency:We all want a warm bed to come home to at the end of the day, a secure base we can retreat to. Your closest relationships should provide this base of support for you. In turn, you need to be there reliably for the people you love.
  • Autonomy and control:No matter how close you are to your partner, for the sake of your mental health and sense of self, you both need to maintain a separate identity. Your partner may sometimes have a priority that takes precedence over you, and that’s okay.

To create and maintain a loving relationship, decrease the frequency of conflict, and solve the conflicts that arise in a way that’s worthy of your partnership, you must be mindful of your partner’s needs and desires. For love to last, empathy must be a two-way street. No one can lose if everybody wins, and everybody wins when both of your needs and desires are treated with respect and validity.

If you are experiencing relationship issues and are wanting to know more about mindfulness, contact me for coaching in Portland.

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org.

Is Your Regret Causing Anxiety? Understand Your Regret

Portland Therapy Ideal for Understanding Regret About One’s Ideal Self

Regret can be painful, even debilitating. People plagued by regret may feel guilt or shame about what could have been. They can even develop symptoms of depression or anxiety. Yet regret in life is inevitable. No one is able to live up to every goal they set.

A new study published in the journal of Emotion explores the psychological underpinnings of regret. Researchers found regret stings the most when people fail to live up to their idealized selves. Regret about duties and obligations is less painful. Although regret about one’s idealized self is often more painful, participants were less likely to take proactive steps to live up to idealized versions of themselves.

Three Components of A Person’s Self

The research used six studies to survey hundreds of participants about their feelings of regret. The study draws upon the notion that there are three components of a person’s self: the actual self, the ideal self, and the ought self.

  • The actual selfis who a person believes they are.
  • The ideal selfis who a person wishes they were. The ideal self includes dreams for the future and goals for living up to values. It also includes traits a person wishes they had.
  • The ought selfis who a person thinks they should be. The ought self is more focused on obligations, such as holding down a job. Regrets involve failures to live up to these duties.

Researchers asked participants what kind of regrets they had most often. Most participants (72%) listed regrets about their ideal self. Only 28% of people listed regrets about their ought self. When people were asked to name their biggest regret in life, 76% mentioned a regret about their ideal selves.

This finding suggests regrets about the ideal self may be more painful. They may also be more likely to contribute to an overall feeling of regret.

Coping With Regret Helps By Knowing Selves

The study also found people are more likely to take steps to correct regrets related to their ought self than to their ideal self. This trend may be because ought-self regrets often involve explicit criteria. Fixing duty-related regrets can often be corrected with specific steps.  For example, if a student regrets doing poorly in class, they can resolve to raise their grade through studying.

Meanwhile, regrets involving one’s ideal self tend to be vaguer. A person may have a dream to “be adventurous” or “be a great parent.” Yet such goals rarely have a concrete way to mark success. Without a clear destination, many people wait for inspiration to guide them toward these goals. If inspiration doesn’t come, a person may let opportunities pass them by.

Fear of how the pursuit of a good life might look to others may also hold people back. That’s doubly true when there’s a conflict between a person’s ideal self and ought self. For instance, a person may wish to go on a backpacking trip with their child. But they may turn down the trip so they do not miss any work and appear “unmotivated” to colleagues. In this scenario, the person prioritizes the work duties of their ought self above the parenting dreams of their ideal self.

A trained therapist can help people cope with regret. They may help a person explore ways to build self-compassion and self-esteem. In therapy, a person can also learn goal-setting skills to help them grow into their ideal selves. If you’re interested in learning how to cope with regret or in need of anxiety therapy, make an appointment at my Portland office.

June 15, 2018 • Contributed by Zawn Villines, GoodTherapy.org 

References:

  1. Davidai, S. & Gilovich, T. (2018). The ideal road not taken: The self-discrepancies involved in people’s most enduring regrets. Emotion,18(3), 439-452. 
  2. Woulda, coulda, shoulda: The haunting regret of failing our ideal selves. (2018, May 29). 

Portland Life Coaching Tip to Boost Your Happiness

 Your Social Life May Be Key to Boosting Your Happiness

The quest for a better quality of life is a common one. Some people believe if they reach a certain goal, they will finally be satisfied with life. But not being able to achieve these goals may make people feel even worse.

A study in Psychological Science suggests some strategies for happiness may work better than others. The pursuit of a better life need not include endless efforts at self-improvement. Instead, the study says people who make social goals are more likely to have greater happiness a year later.

A Life Coaching Key to Happiness : More Time With Others?

Portland Life Coaching Tip to Boost Happiness With Social Life In 2014, the study gathered data on 1,178 German adults. Participants were gathered from the nationally representative German Socio-Economic Panel Study.

The study asked participants to rank their life satisfaction on a scale of 0 to 10. A score of 0 meant completely dissatisfied, and 10 stood for completely satisfied. The study also asked participants how happy they thought they would be in 5 years.

Then the study asked to list their strategies for a happier future. About half (596) had no set strategy. Some claimed they could not do anything to improve their lives. Others said something outside of their control—such as a different political climate—would improve their lives.

The other half (582) provided a specific strategy for greater happiness. Most of those who set goals (398) mentioned an individual goal such as quitting smoking. The remainder (184) said doing something social—spending more time with family or friends or helping others—might make them happier.

A year later, participants again rated their life satisfaction. People who listed a social strategy reported greater life satisfaction the second time they were surveyed. People with individual goals showed about the same level of satisfaction as before. There were no significant differences between people who had an individual strategy and those who had no plan at all.

Further analysis revealed the group with social goals had increased happiness partially because they socialized more with others during the year. This finding suggests people who want to improve their lives might benefit from focusing on their relationships with others. Setting only self-improvement goals might be no better than setting no goals at all.

The study’s authors emphasize that further research is necessary to assess the long-term effects of goal setting. Future research may measure why some happiness strategies might work better than others.

Life coaching can help people achieve their goals, offering a chance at a better life. It can also help nurture relationships and improve social connections. If you are interested in how life coaching can help better your life, make an appointment at my Portland area office.

June 8, 2018 • Contributed by Zawn Villines, GoodTherapy.org 

References:

  1. Rohrer, J. M., Richter, D., Brummer, M., Wagner, G. G., & Schmukle, S. C. (2018, May 18). Successfully striving for happiness: Socially engaged pursuits predict increases in life satisfaction. 
  2. Social pursuits linked with increased life satisfaction. (2018, May 29). 

Is Your Family Losing Sleep?

Sleep Deprivation Linked to Depression & Addiction in Teens

Sleep is an important part of general health, both teens and adults as seen below .

Depression can stem from lack of sleep in adolescents & family.Adolescents who don’t get enough sleep are more vulnerable to depression and addiction, according to research presented at the 56th Annual Meeting of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology (ACNP).

Previous research supports this conclusion. Research published in 2010 found a link between adolescent depression and sleep deprivation. In that study of 262 high scholars, more than half experienced excessive sleepiness and fatigue. The sleepy students were three times more likely to show strong depression symptoms than their rested peers. Continue reading

Danger of “if then” thinking

Can Life Coaching Help with ‘If Then’ Thinking?

Have you ever had the thought of “If I (fill in the blank), then (fill in in the blank)” or “once I…, then I’ll…”

Choices in life coaching Portland-If I move to another city, then I’ll be happy.

-Once I get this together, then I’ll be able to do this.

-Once I turn 50, then I’ll buy myself that car.

-Once I have enough experience then I can start that new project.

-If I ever win the lottery, then I’ll buy my dream home.

-Once I start therapy/coaching/medication, I’ll feel better.

Do any of these sound familiar? What are some other ones that you may find yourself thinking? Continue reading

A few shifts from arguing

Life Coaching Tips to Avoid Arguments

If you notice getting into an argument/ yelling match and it feels all too familiar, here are a few steps to help shift the dynamic:

  1. Change your posture. Chances are if you’re in an argument your face is scrunched, brow furrowed, and holding your breath. Take a moment to change your posture- stretch your arms out and back, expose your chest some, stretch side to side, roll your neck
  2. Breath deeply. Blow all your air out and hold it. Take a full breath in
  3. Life sometimes needs coaching tips for arguments.Notice if you are defensive. Are you looking to explain why you are right and they are wrong? If yes, admit you are there and know that most likely from this place you know how it plays out. Stop if you are defensive. 
  4. Ask yourself if you can see this person as your ally. 
  5. If not, take a break. To paraphrase Einstein, a problem can’t be solved in the same mindset it was created in. Do not expect to solve it if you don’ t shift your mindset that started the argument.

This is of course just a few options with short explanations. There is certainly more exploration to this and it is a start.

Cheers to more life and connection in your relationship. With life coaching we can work on any relationships and tips for your life. Contact me for more details.

Compliments to Marcolm at freedigitalphotos.net

How I work with people: part 4

Things to Love About Coaching Homework

Another word on homework. I often have people come in having not done their homework. It is not my job to shame you, I find that people do that enough without adding any more. We can explore what occurred that you didn’t do it. Although, I often find that a couple of things can happen when people haven’t “done” their homework:

  1. they did and just didn’t realize it
  2. they explored something else that had meaning to them
  3. what was homework, didn’t show up for them so they didn’t have the opportunity to explore it
  4. there was hesitation to facing into the homework and then the work is to explore that.

LGTBQ-friendly coaching homework Portland.The thing I love about homework is that the therapy or coaching session is not just this isolated event, a bubble of time for you to focus on you. Granted it is time for you, sometimes the only place people have to be listened to, connect with another and heard fully. Homework is a thread that connects the sessions together. It is a time for you to continue your intention to work on your goals outside of the walls of my Portland office. It is practice in “real time” in your “real life.”

To get started with your homework contact me to start your Portland coaching sessions with an LGTBQ-friendly therapist.

Photo compliments of Mister GC at freedigitalphotos.net

How I work with people part 3

What is Counseling Homework?

In counseling and coaching, people may come in wanting to be “fixed.” That is not my job. It is also not how I see people. I see people as whole, yes you are on a journey and there may be things that you want changed (that is why people come see me because they want something changed and don’t know how to go about making the changes). And you are not broken or messed up or completely shattered, you are whole just as you are in the midst of the challenges that you are facing.

Often times the steps may be small. People often don’t take a gigantic leap. More often than not, it is a baby step by baby step and sometimes  it may feel like you’re either going backwards Counseling homework for Portland, Oregon LGBT friendly therapist.or falling down. Sometimes the sessions are not a nicely wrapped present with a beautiful bow on top. Sometimes they end in a way that feels very undone. This can also be a time when a lot of change can happen, as you sit with what’s going on.

I do like to give homework, I have adolescents who call it something else since they have enough homework from school- growth opportunity, advancement protocol, something to think about. The homework, or whatever you choose to call it, is something that was explored in the session. Of course that is not always the case, sometimes people want to inquire into something completely different. Either way, I ask if you have ideas and I can toss out some ideas as well. You get to decide what you want to do. The concept of homework is to keep you thinking, exploring, delving into, to keep your intention and attention on movement, to be aware of how you are in the world so that what “just happens” will become conscious and therefore you have a choice in the matter.

Are you ready to work on your counseling? Contact me for area Portland, Oregon LGBT friendly counseling.

Photo compliments of Master isolated images at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

How I work with people in coaching and therapy: part 2

Questions are Part of Relationship Coaching

This is part two in an attempt to describe how I work with people.

Once we’ve set up a full session, I will send you some paperwork. It may feel completely tedious. And it is quite a bit of paperwork. Some of it is history, some of it is gathering more details about what’s going on. A big part of it is also about your goals, and how you know when you will be done with either coaching or therapy. I see both relationship coaching and therapy as a way to learn skills,Questions are the next step in relationship coaching Portland! to make changes and shifts in your life so that you can go out and do these things on your own. Goals give us a guide. They give us something to work toward, so that we are not just floundering around meeting after meeting without making steps towards what you want.

The first session is often me asking you a lot of questions. I am gathering information about what is going on, what has been going on, and what you are wanting as you move forward. The first session is not typical of how I work with people. It is you talking more and me asking more questions.

In subsequent sessions, I am more active. I see us as collaborators. I am a professional. I have a license. I go to continuing education courses. You are the expert on you. This is an on going conversation, back and forth. I am not just going to sit and listen. I am an active participant in our sessions, asking questions, gently challenging, throwing out ideas that may or may not land with you. And I am open to feedback. That is also important for you to know. If you are not getting what you want, say something to me. It doesn’t help to vent to your friend or even just stop coming. Let’s have a conversation about it. I don’t want it to be a waste of your time or your money. If I am not able to provide the support you are looking for I can give you referrals.

If you have more questions about relationship coaching services I offer in Portland – call!

Photo compliments of punsayaporn at Freedigitalphotos.net