I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I am about 1/2 way through. One thing that struck me was the idea of admitting mistakes. I may reframe that, to admitting and owning what I have done. I am not advocating for blaming either self or others for their actions. Owning has a different feel than blame. If you can take responsibility for your actions, letting go of judgement, room is created for change.

And with therapy and coaching, that is the usually the goal. Changing something that isn’t working. We can get caught up in blame. I just uncovered an enlightened bully. She has been mean. She judged. She was rude. She beat me up. She repressed. Yet that cycle only has so many pathways, the conversation is the same circular, roundabout, never ending spiral. Can I admit that she has been around, loving her as she has been, knowing that she was there, realizing how this has affected relationships. And moving forward, noticing, being aware, shifting, sharing. By admitting to my friend, Deb Katz, that I had not shared my feelings with her, we were able to connect on a deeper level.

By admitting mistakes you admit that you are human. You bring closeness to the one you are sharing, you are being vulnerable by opening. This seems to be a big one in intimate relationships. I think because it turns into blame. How to talk about something that happened as fact. The same way I would say and accept, “Today is            .” Own it and whatever feelings that come up and to look at possibilities.

Exploration for this week: in what areas are you blaming yourself. Can you take responsibility and own what you have done. Share it with the other person.

 

Photos by Gratisography

I was watching a documentary on time called “Time Limits.” It discussed our perception of time and how it changes depending on what is going on internally and externally. It talked about how watching a game that is 1-0 time slows for the winning team, the end can’t come soon enough. For the losing team it is going way to fast. Meditation is one way to slow down time, often Buddhist monks will meditate and time moves slower as they focus on the present moment. It also showed how some things take so long to unfold (flowers, the seasons) while others are fast (the frogs tongue, a fly).

My exploration since watching this movie as well as related to the last post, how do I speed up my time or slow it down. How am I viewing the world? Is it speeding around me or going way to slow. I picture an adult walking with a toddler. The toddler tends to find everything of interest and wanting to stop and explore anything and everything and the adult wanting to move faster. Or thinking of the morning routine before work, getting certain things done before leaving and the idea of not having enough time. Or the lay out of a vacation, early on it seems like there is sooooo much time, then pass the middle and it seems like it is almost over.

How do you speed up or slow down?

 

I was late for something and missed my turn twice. I wasn’t breathing. I was thinking of being late and getting there fast. I overrode my first impulse to turn. Then got a ticket on my way back and missed the second turn. Then my GPS on my phone went wonky. I then took a breath. A deep breath and slowed down.

I got to thinking, what is going on right now that I am rushing. In the past if I am late, I usually  just let the person know and continue on focusing what is in my control, knowing I will get there when I get there. Yet this time was different.
I think of the Simon & Garfunkel  song, with the lyrics: “slow down you move too fast, gotta make the moment last.”

What if it is a moment I don’t like for whatever reason, do I try to move faster? When do I allow myself to move slower? What determines my speed? What do I allow to determine my anxiety? When do I override my wants and impulses to adjust to what I think “should” be?

I noticed after my deep breath bringing myself back to me vs thinking of where I need to be or the next thing on the list. I also let go of the judgement around being late. And I allowed myself to move at my pace even in the midst of being late.

Take a moment to take a breath. Where and when do you rush? How do you override your impulses? Do you have “shoulds” in your life or ideas of what is and isn’t “appropriate?”

Sex is often an issue that people don’t really want to talk about and really want to talk about. There can be shame, negative stories, fear of judgement fear of rejection around it, taboo.

I was talking with a colleague yesterday, Jane Guyn. One thing we talked about was the idea of how environment affects our inner mood. And this holds true for sex, sensualness, intimacy, connection, eroticism. Does your room illicit that kind of feeling that you want? And the great thing about this is that it is totally personal. What creates that energy within you will be different than someone else. And if you are with someone, to talk about it. They may have no idea about your wants.

If you want an experiential exercise…Look at the two photos of bedrooms. What thoughts, images, ideas, stories, meanings, body sensations come to mind when you look at one then the other. No need to judge, simply notice.

 

Shift unconscious patterns to conscious possibilities and create alliances with yourself, family, friends, co-workers — heck, with all of us! Through body-centered, playful, high-energy, emotionally intelligent and reliable practices: and reliable practices:

• End the blame/complain game

• Learn fair (even FUN) fighting

• Transform defensiveness into curiosity

• Become a Master Appreciator (and receiver of appreciation)

• Step out of win-lose and enter the Infinite Game

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March 27, April 10, 24, May 1, 8, 22, 29 at The Float Shoppe, 1505 NW 23rd Ave

Get a free sample of this series at our Intro Session: Thursday, March 13, 7:30-9:30pm

For info and reservation, email [email protected]

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Deb Katz, BA, RN, LMT Birth Doula, Conscious Leadership Consultant

Deb is a masterful body-intelligence guide with 17 years training and practice in massage therapy, somatic psychology, dance, the Enneagram, Earth Based Wisdom, yoga and Mystery Schools. With keen listening and direct communication, Deb works with individuals, couples and organizations to shift patterns into possibilities.

Caroline Resari, LCSW Certified Transformational Coach

Caroline walks her talk by using these tools in her life and relationships. She provides deep presencing while also savoring a playfulness of life. Having over ten years experience as a therapist and coach, she loves what she does and wants to share it with a larger community.

Sheila Resari, BA, LMT, Conscious Living/Transformational Coach

Sheila combines her skills as a teacher, performer, coach, and bodyworker in order to create a nourishing and playful container for self-discovery. Her particular genius involves learning how to have 37.5% more fun in your life.

 

“Nearly 1 in 6 high school students has seriously considered suicide, and 1 in 12 has attempted it, according to the semi-annual survey on youth risk behavior published Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention”

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/1-12-teens-attempted-suicide-report-article-1.1092622#ixzz2U8kjEYhE

Are you one of those 6 or one of those 12? Life can be hard. It can be so hard that it seems the only way out of it is suicide, to just end it. And people think of suicide for a ton of different reasons:

• To get away from hurt, pain
• Because nothing else has worked
• Because you’re pissed off at your parents/teachers/ caregiver and want to show them
• Because no one would really miss you
• Because you just can’t go on like this anymore
• Because the bullies won’t stop and now they have ruined your life
• Or you may just feel like crap and don’t know why

I am sure people have told you to tell an adult, to call the crisis line. And when you are seriously thinking of it, that is often the last thing you want to do. Or maybe no one even knows that you have these thoughts.

This isn’t a pep talk, it is a plea for possibilities. Is suicide an option? It may be the only option you see right now and there are other possibilities, other ways to solve your problem besides getting away from it all or getting back at someone.

That is where an adult can be helpful. Someone to listen, to problem solve, to look with you at other possibilities in life.

I have worked with teens who want to help others who are going through a rough time. That can be helpful and that is a lot for one person to handle.

Therapy can be a place to feel heard. A place to problem solve. A place to vent. I am not saying don’t think about it, I just don’t want you to take action. There are other options that you may not be able to see right now.

 

I just read an article in Ode magazine (I could not find the link on-line) about how heart break can be a catalyst for change. In the last post, I talked about vulnerability. In this article, Susan Piver shares that in heart break, the heart opens. Everything is felt on a different level. The word raw comes to mind, feeling as if everything is on the surface. Heart break, as hard and painful as it is, can create a crack, and openness to feel it all, to feel vulnerable. She talks about feeling the feeling, not fixing it, not getting through to the next thing, and letting go of the story of why. Story is a great way to keep feelings going and going and going…

In the past I would close up shop. I would move on to the next thing. Never look back. Close the door and be done. I realize that that is an option, yet by doing it that way, I shut down. I ignored what was happening for me. I pushed my feelings down and closed the door, throwing out the key. Yet, feelings have a way of coming up. It may be in a different way. Think of people getting into fights, smoking when they are stressed, going out for a beer after a hard day. What feelings are wanting to be expressed? I recently met my Destructive Rebel Persona, who wants to drive fast and do a lot of risky behaviors. That persona is great at covering up anger. Yet if I chose to partake in that, I do not get to access my anger because the anger keeps going because I am not feeling it; I do not get to move through my anger. I just thought of the children’s book, We’re Going On A Bear Hunt. If I remember correctly, the idea being that there are all these obstacles to finding the bear. They can’t go over them, or under them, or around them, the option is to go through them. With feelings you have a choice. You can ignore, move on, distract or you can feel and go through them.

Next time you have heart break or feel raw, open to the feeling, it is energy. She talks about feelings and thoughts as things that come and go, they are not set in stone to be felt forever and ever. Make room to have feelings, cut down on your schedule so that you have time. Allow yourself not to be distracted and moving on to something else. Meditation is also a great way to slow the brain and focus on what is going on in this moment.

The book is The Wisdom of a Broken Heart.

I just watched Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on Listening to Shame. She talks about vulnerability, not as a weakness, but as strength and courage. Vulnerability is being open, being seen as who you are.

She talks about not being afraid of failure, how many people who succeed fail quite often and keep going. It is hearing the voice that “you are not good enough” or “what makes you think you can do that” and doing it anyway. Shame is what keeps us from being vulnerable.

I think we learn many ways to hide who we are. I call them personas, or masks or roles. For example: the rebel- who acts like they doesn’t really care what others think, or the small, quiet role- the one who doesn’t get noticed and tries to hide from others. There are a lot of roles that people learn in order to hide who they are from others.

In what ways do you hide who you are? Are there certain people that you share yourself with? And others that you hide yourself away? Do you put on a happy face when you aren’t? Do you only show certain parts to certain people?

Here is the link if you want to check her out:                                                                   http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html