A client asked me how to say no to someone who wanted to hang out and not be rude. She said she googled “saying no” and only found posts in saying no to men. I thought that was quite interesting and asked if I could write about it, she said, “yes.”
First I want to post a disclaimer, the idea of “being rude” is all in perspective. And what is considered rude in one culture is different from another, as is from one gender to another.
Ending the Guilt Trip with Life Coaching
I want to also share that often times people can not just say no; they need to add a reason or justify why.
Developmentally kids start to say no and impose what they want and don’t want and This stage has been labeled “the terrible twos.” I find it interesting that we are trained as children that saying no is not acceptable, in fact, it is “terrible:” Do as I say. Do not ask questions. Do not say no. Follow my directions and orders.
I think it is simpler then we make it to say no. You have the ability to say no without a reason and then move on without the “guilt trip.”
I realize that there is more to it than that and there is often more exploration to this. And I will end it here for now.
Next steps for exploration, if you choose… First play with saying no. Often times people are more comfortable doing this by themselves. Try different tones of voice, different shortness or length of the “O”, different accents. Think about toddlers and all the different ways they say it, try on how you imagine a man or woman may say it, a business person, a doctor, a cab driver, if there is a crisis, if someone else is listening or are very far away.
Find someone you trust who will play with you. Let them know your are playing with saying no. Notice what happens for you when you ask, when you actually start saying, No.” Do you laugh?
Ask these questions and more, by making your appointment today. Call me to find out about life coaching therapy in the Portland area.
Photo is compliments of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
I was talking with a client the other day and we had an interesting conversation. The idea of choice with therapy.
I see anger as a boundary emotion. It lets us know when something needs to stop or change. Yet, when we hold onto this anger/frustration/irritation/annoyance/etc, it festers and comes out typically as an argument or a lingering mood that can last several hours, days or months. I will also share this: yelling and anger are not the same thing. I think yelling happens when it festers.
What does comparing get me? What does it get you? Perhaps feeling better or worse about myself or my situation. This leaves me in a one up or one down from others. It doesn’t leave room for seeing everyone as whole or even myself as whole. It distances me from others, it puts a wedge in the relationship, even if I haven’t talked to the person.
right into the bustle of life again. Vacation seeming like a distant memory, sometimes even forgetting what it felt like to relax.
How can we have a sense of self and also be open to other’s views of us? If I think I show up in a certain way and I hear otherwise from someone else, I can then explore that for myself. I can ask if it rings true, wonder where they are coming from, what do they see that demonstrates that idea. And then land on if it rings true for me and adjust myself as necessary. Or it may not ring true and then I can continue showing up as I show up. When you have multiple people giving that feedback, it may be time to explore deeper with life coaching.
What I have noticed is that once every week or two at the least is optimal to stay on track. Less is more of a “check in” vs digging down and making changes. And of course everyone is different, so this is not a blanket statement, just what I have observed and from talking with other people.
your two hands interact together. Move them closer together then farther apart. Have one hand try on the movement, feeling of the other hand and vice versa. Do you notice anything different in your experience of the two appearing contradictory statements?